Sunday, 11 January 2009

One Liners

I have a weakness for quick fired jokes, the sillier the better. The sort of jokes told by American comedian Stephen Wright and English comics Harry Hill, Milton Jones and the king of one liners- Tommy Cooper. Here's a selection and I warn you- the corn factor is very high:

When my wife asked me to whisper something soft and sweet in her ear, I whispered "cake."

Do Norwegians drive fjords?

I attended an organ recital recently by Count Dracula. He was terrible-his Bach was worse than his bite.

I was asked to write some music, I only got as far as SOME MUS when the telephone rung.

Telephone wires are put up high to keep up the conversation.

The only reason the pony didn't stop to chat was because it was a little hoarse.

The tummy button got disorientated and asked the policeman where he was. He was told: "You are under a vest."

What does the story of David and Goliath teach us? To duck.

The police constable arrested the mime artist and told him he had the right to remain silent.

The car mechanic visited the psychiatrist, who told him to lie down under the couch.

Sigmund Freud bumped into Carl Jung one day in town and said "You look well how am I?"

My family used pier pressure to force me to visit Brighton.

Sir Edward Elgar once asked my grandfather to rearrange a piece for him. He asked for a pen and paper and wrote "e pcaei."

An elephant came up to me and said " I can jump higher than a mountain." I asked him how come you can jump so high. The elephant replied: "Mountains can't jump."

My friend told me that for years he'd been hoping for a son and heir. I suggested he should try a hair restorer in the south of France.

The leather clad biker roared dangerously fast down the road on his motorbike with a cigarette in his mouth. "You'll kill yourself" shouted a passer by. "Don't worry", he replied "I only smoke 5 a day.

When the lady criticised her friend's apartment she knocked her flat.

What is a coincidence? Funny I was just about to ask the same question

How does one join the crew on a battleship? They are handcuffed together.

It was very stormy when the captain welcomed me on board. I was told not to worry, ships don't sink that often... only once.

The announcement was made by the ship's captain "Man washed overboard" He then added "Because there are no baths on board."

The chess player's best mate was King to Q2.

I did have a joke about a rope but I think I'll skip it.

I've been really unlucky in love, The only time I've ever held a hand was when I was playing Bridge.

The owner of the stationary shop appeared to be very autocratic. He demanded that even pencils must be lead.

Jones found that he was good at selling stationary. This came as a relief, as nobody had been interested in buying from him when he was jogging.

I joined the navy to see the world and spent five years in a submarine.

The victor at the Battle of Trafalgar was a man with one arm called Nelson. I'm not sure what his other arm was called.

"Nurse, Nurse, I keep thinking I'm a bucket. Actually you are looking rather pail"

No comments: